I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
