I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
