Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
