I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
