Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
