i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
