happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
