this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
