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There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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