how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
