My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
