it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
