pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I think my vagina is haunted
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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