The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My ass is underappreciated
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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