i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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