Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
