I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
