My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
