he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
A bitchslap is in order.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
