Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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