i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
