He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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