I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
