you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i dont even know how to be here
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
