Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
