Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
