You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
