i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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