burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
