I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
