why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
