I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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