My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
