i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
