I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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