I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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