Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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