wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You can't special order awesome
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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