the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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