I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
