maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
