I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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