I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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