he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
