You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
