just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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