my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
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halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
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I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.