Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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