In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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