clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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