I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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