its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
two words: eviction party
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
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