I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
