My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I have post one night stand depression
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