Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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