I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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