Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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