You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
