I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
