that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
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He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
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Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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